KEN LAYNE

* Long ago, back in December, I went out to North Carolina in a failed attempt to take the maiden flight on the Ron Paul Blimp. A very heavily re-written version of my dumb little story is now in RADAR magazine, on the newsstands.
* Speaking of Ron Paul, who is the only person I've ever endorsed for president, because I hate Washington, too: He sort of admitted he's not ever going to be the GOP nominee last week. I wrote my AOL Political Machine column about this last week, and his very angry Internet followers went nuts with impotent online rage.
* My family's long-planned move to the Mojave Hi Desert actually happened during the busiest political news cycle since the Gore v. Bush recount seven years ago. Now you people can't bother me ever again.
* Hey, that handsome young (OLDER THAN ME) Obama guy won all the elections again, last night.

Hello from a secure, undisclosed location on many beautiful acres in the high-desert mountains of the Mojave Desert! You do not want to come out here, because it's terrible. There is no Starbucks, but there are three feed & tack shops. The grocery store closes at eight o'clock. I've seen more coyotes than neighbors, but the neighbors I've seen have been neighborly, as neighbors can afford to be when they're a good sane distance away from the next house. And while this remote place is only 72 hours away from Los Angeles, it feels like at least 144 hours away from Los Angeles.

Speaking of Mark Twain's most hilarious book about the Western Deserts and the Eastern Sierra, Roughing It also contains a substantial travelogue from his five months living on the Hawaiian Islands. And that's why I quote Clemens today in my new AOL Political Machine column, "Is America Ready For a Hawaiian President?"

(No, I don't what Mental Hospital provides the commenters, either. But just think of it as a tour through the America you wish didn't actually exist.)

There's a new AOL Political Machine thing you may or may not want to read, depending on how ashamed you are about everything: Shame On You, Barack and Hillary and New York Times and America!

Meanwhile over at the Wonkette, there's a lot of terrible things going on -- shameful things, really. I will try to write something more interesting later, once my children are safely in prison.